Life's Affect on Me

Tonight on my drive home, I realized that I no longer care about those people or things that have pained me in the past. Driving through the snow, I felt as if I were in slow motion, remembering so many things. The look in someone's eye and the texture of a hand before it hit my face. Sitting in a shower, fully clothed with scalding hot water, hoping that I wouldn't wake up the next day. The coldness of the sidewalk after sleeping outside a house after a horrible argument, knowing that no one would remember that I was gone. The stinging of my tears to my already raw cheeks, countless times. These pains are with me, but I no longer carry regret, resentment with these thoughts. Instead I choose to hold emotions with the complete stranger who sang with me on the subway. The happiness from seeing a smile on someone's face and content in their eyes, after not seeing them for a few years. The way someone looked at me and sang, "do you realize, you have the most beautiful face." Looking in someone's eyes and realizing how much you care about them. These are the moments and emotions that I choose to hold onto. These are times that I keep alive in my heart.

After I was inside scribbling on a notebook, I went outside. I laid in the two feet of snow in a pentacle pattern. I stared at the streetlight to watch the snowflakes dance with a weightless motion. I laid right next to the chain link fence and felt the snowflakes fall and melt on my face. There was an orange tint to the sky, from the streetlights I presume, and I felt the weight of my emotions lift from me. And I remembered how good it felt to be alive . . . And it hit me, no matter where I am, who I am with, being alive will always be enough.